27 November 2010

Approval

I must be growing again.  I've found that I don't really need people's approval.  Wow.  The majority of my adult life has been trying to gain people's approval.  Well I'm finding that lately I've no need for anyone's approval.  In fact, I don't need it at all and I find myself at a loss as to what to do with myself and my new found freedom.  I've never felt this way before and it's wonderful and scary at the same time.  Thanks to Dragonfly again.  You helped, in your own non pushy way, to get me here.  I love you.

On Minimalism

Minimalism.  It's been on my mind and Dragonfly's for a little while now. Thanks to Leo, I think I'm going to actually give it a go.  I have to much stuff.  We've been trying to pare down now as a family and I find it refreshing to have less and less.  My son, Leaf, has been having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the concept.  In all we're doing well.  I think this may be the thing I do every day for a year.  We'll see as I do some personal soul searching and actually getting going on the project.

14 November 2010

Thoughts of Inception

Dragonfly and I got to go out on a date night tonight.  This doesn't happen very often and it was nice to get out as a couple of adults instead of a couple of parents.  (Thanks Carmen and Fran for watching the kids!)  Unfortunately, we happen to go to the movies and watched the most amazing and brilliant movie we have ever seen. It also was the most realistic and most disturbing, as well as the most questioning of reality.  Which isn't good for Dragonfly as he use to live in a state of questioning reality while using drugs, back in the day and thankfully no more.  For me it was the constant flee, the constant movement, the overwhelming momentum of the thing.  We both left drained.  Both of us have had dark pasts, and continue to work through issues from the past.  This movie worked on both of us in ways we could not have foreseen.   So, I wish to extend a word of advice to people who have PTSD or have a propensity toward anxiety attacks-- don't watch Inception.  It's a little to great.  Mind you, it was an amazing movie, probably the best one I have ever seen.  I just couldn't take it.  It took me to a dark place and I couldn't wait to see my kids afterward. So caution to you who seek a pleasant break from reality, this is a really harsh movie on many levels.  I would rethink my plans if you want to relax.

07 November 2010

Realizations

I've had several realizations in the last couple of weeks:  1. There are many blogs I can't read anymore that I use to love.  2. Consumerism in this country is out of control.  3. I'm in a rut (as mentioned in the previous post).

Firstly, there are several blogs, I'm not mentioning titles, that I can't read any more.  I find that I am changing and growing while these people are becoming these weird, unrelateable, personalities.  One of them has moved into a mini mansion and has sponsors who pay for their office/studio decor.  One I never realized how shallow she's been all along.  Both related to the second point of consumerism being all out of control.  Both are obsessed with stuff, and both of them I thought at one point were wonderful.  (I'm literally shaking my head here.)

How could I have ever loved these two blogs?  I'm talking about years of reading both.  Now one of them is plastered all over with advertisements and the other is writing about how she hates vulva jewelry (see bottom of page).  I just don't get either one of these women any more.  I think it just stems from me having lived in a painful relationship (no longer thankfully) and having lived alone and very lonely before that.  I think I was living through them.  Trying to imagine myself as some cool, hip mom (cause I was even though I didn't know it) that was able to afford trips to Greenland and had valuable time with my child(eren) every day.  Well I did.  But you know what?  Single parents have it rough, rough, rough.  They work all day, pay all the bills, see their kids for a couple of hours after daycare/school before they have to go to bed, then the house gets all messy which gets cleaned on the weekend and then you start all over again.  You try to spend as much time with your babies as you can but you have to be able to survive somehow.  Just trying to get food on the table is a full time job.  I don't know how I survived.  I just worked as best I could and did what I could and my kid(s) are wonderful because of it.  (I was a single mom with just one of my two).

Now, happily married, with the addition of a baby girl, I'm seeing things a little differently.  First off, I still have no money, but I have happiness.  I'm more happy than I have ever been in my life.  I get to be a stay-at-home-mom--wow!  Plus I homeschool my son.  WoW!  I'm getting to watch both of my kids grow up and they are amazing. I now see how lonely I was to want to loose myself in these blogs.  Wanting to be someone else.  I never realized I was who I wanted to be.  I was doing it.  Am doing it.  I am. . . doing it!  I am a cool, hip, mom of two who is finally using here free will for once in her life.  Now I have tasted freedom to be who I am and want to be.

 Now the problem is trying to get on with our dreams.

I want to be able to do things now.  Like these people.  Amazing huh?!  These people are amazing as well!   We just have to do it.

I don't know what it is but I feel so stuck now.  I mean we have our whole lives ahead of us right now.  We can't wait until we retire to live.  We have to live now!

I have to do something about this current state of being.  I'm just stuck in this rut and can't find a way out.  I don't just want to keep dreaming any more.  I have realized several huge dreams in my lifetime.  Now is time to realize the grandest one of them all. . . . a lifetime of adventure.

Inspiration in a Rut

I have been inspired by some pretty awesome people.  The Julie and Julia Project, A Dress A Day, Wish Jar, just to name a few of the truly amazing people doing truly amazing things out there.  Somewhere inside my head I know these are people just like me.  I know they were in a rut themselves and got out of it.  I know they became amazing because they reached beyond what people expected of them.  They are driven to do something extra.  Why can't I believe I can too?  I don't just want to be wife, mother of two.  I want to be traveler, creative being, singer of truth!  Somewhere inside my head I don't believe I can do it.  I have a great fear of saying I will do something and then fail.  I do have a great desire for greatness (just personal mind you, I don't want fame at all). I want to be able to do something now for my life and my family life.  We want to travel and it seems like it is so far away.  I think we can do it faster.  I think we can do it a lot better than we are doing it now.  I don't want to be doing this alone.  I want a partner.  But I have that and yet I feel that I need to do something to make myself stronger.  I have survived a great deal  just because I had to.  I want to do something now that proves to me that I can do great and amazing things.  I need to remind myself that I am a person of worth.  I am  a beautiful goddess of the world.  I am. . .  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I don't have a particular thing that I am interested in doing for every day for a year yet.  Any ideas?