07 November 2010

Realizations

I've had several realizations in the last couple of weeks:  1. There are many blogs I can't read anymore that I use to love.  2. Consumerism in this country is out of control.  3. I'm in a rut (as mentioned in the previous post).

Firstly, there are several blogs, I'm not mentioning titles, that I can't read any more.  I find that I am changing and growing while these people are becoming these weird, unrelateable, personalities.  One of them has moved into a mini mansion and has sponsors who pay for their office/studio decor.  One I never realized how shallow she's been all along.  Both related to the second point of consumerism being all out of control.  Both are obsessed with stuff, and both of them I thought at one point were wonderful.  (I'm literally shaking my head here.)

How could I have ever loved these two blogs?  I'm talking about years of reading both.  Now one of them is plastered all over with advertisements and the other is writing about how she hates vulva jewelry (see bottom of page).  I just don't get either one of these women any more.  I think it just stems from me having lived in a painful relationship (no longer thankfully) and having lived alone and very lonely before that.  I think I was living through them.  Trying to imagine myself as some cool, hip mom (cause I was even though I didn't know it) that was able to afford trips to Greenland and had valuable time with my child(eren) every day.  Well I did.  But you know what?  Single parents have it rough, rough, rough.  They work all day, pay all the bills, see their kids for a couple of hours after daycare/school before they have to go to bed, then the house gets all messy which gets cleaned on the weekend and then you start all over again.  You try to spend as much time with your babies as you can but you have to be able to survive somehow.  Just trying to get food on the table is a full time job.  I don't know how I survived.  I just worked as best I could and did what I could and my kid(s) are wonderful because of it.  (I was a single mom with just one of my two).

Now, happily married, with the addition of a baby girl, I'm seeing things a little differently.  First off, I still have no money, but I have happiness.  I'm more happy than I have ever been in my life.  I get to be a stay-at-home-mom--wow!  Plus I homeschool my son.  WoW!  I'm getting to watch both of my kids grow up and they are amazing. I now see how lonely I was to want to loose myself in these blogs.  Wanting to be someone else.  I never realized I was who I wanted to be.  I was doing it.  Am doing it.  I am. . . doing it!  I am a cool, hip, mom of two who is finally using here free will for once in her life.  Now I have tasted freedom to be who I am and want to be.

 Now the problem is trying to get on with our dreams.

I want to be able to do things now.  Like these people.  Amazing huh?!  These people are amazing as well!   We just have to do it.

I don't know what it is but I feel so stuck now.  I mean we have our whole lives ahead of us right now.  We can't wait until we retire to live.  We have to live now!

I have to do something about this current state of being.  I'm just stuck in this rut and can't find a way out.  I don't just want to keep dreaming any more.  I have realized several huge dreams in my lifetime.  Now is time to realize the grandest one of them all. . . . a lifetime of adventure.

No comments: