08 November 2011

On Moving AGAIN

Well, it looks as though we have found ourselves a new place to live.  AGAIN! :)

This will be what?  The third time we have moved this year?  Nothing compared to moving six times in a year between September 2008-June 2009!  Yes that's another story entirely but I'll tell you the tale later.

Now it's moving time again in less then four days!  Woot!  But it's really okay this time because most of our things are in boxes already.  We've been living with my grandmother and have been very fortunate to be able to use her kitchen, linens, and furniture.  It's amazing how basic you really can live.

It always makes me re-evaluate how much stuff I really use on a daily basis.  I won't have internet at the new place for at least a week so expect blog silence.  No worries though I'm going to try to fill it up with all sorts of goodies before the move.

29 October 2011

Craigslist and Dumpster Diving

I have always enjoyed the free section of Craigslist and Dumpester Diving.  It is my goal to furnish our new place, wherever that may be, with furnishings that we have either scavenged, or gotten from Craigslist for free.  The exception would be for bedding which may happen you never know i just don't expect my need for a bunk bed to be filled right away and we may need to buy.  I may try to put an advert out there for the need.

The idea of not spending money on furniture is appealing, as is the idea that everything that I need and we as a family need is already out there in the world discarded and in need of love and personalization.

Living in this consumer driven society keeps us from seeing that we already have enough stuff and then some for every child and mother and father, every person on the planet to live comfortably their entire lives.

I'm not going to contribute any more than I have to in consumerism.  I just will be a little more creative in my means of getting things I need for me and my family.

16 October 2011

Easy Veggie Burger Patties (Vegan or Vegetarian)

Ingredients:

1 can black beans in sauce or low sodium (or butter beans) 15 oz
save liquid from can
1/2 to 3/4 cup Italian bread crumbs 
olive oil

(vegetarian version use 1/2 cup cheddar cheese and an egg instead of reserved liquid from beans)

Empty one can of black beans or butter beans into a bowl (reserve liquid from can).  

Add Italian seasoned bread crumbs.

Mix until bread crumbs are moist. Add reserved liquid from beans if mixture is to dry.  If to moist, add more bread crumbs.

Form  1 1/2 inch  balls and flatten with palm of hand.  Patties should be no thicker than 1/2 inch.  Coat with bread crumbs for crunchier texture.

Cook on heated skillet (medium to high heat) with olive oil, or bake in 400 degree oven for 10 mins flipping 
half way through.

Serving Suggestions:

I like to serve mine sans bread topped with a garden marinara sauce and a dark veggie, like spinach, on the side. (Spinach and sunflower seeds sauted with a little minced garlic.)

This takes five minutes to make and is so delicious.  Especially, if you purchase black beans in sauce or low sodium varieties of beans.  

Try adding things like nuts, shredded carrotts, water chestnuts, sun dried or fire roasted tomatoes, chopped olives, and anything you can think of.  It's basically a base for culinary artistry! 

Experiment with color, taste, and texture!  

Go Bold!

(Pictures to come)









14 October 2011

Serenity Prayer


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Oh so true.

10 October 2011

Nudge

There comes a time
when you must know
when to let things be
or when to give a little
push

Just a little push
so gentle you can barely tell

Nudge

A little giggle
a little smile
humor
these three help

A nudge is all that's needed
sometimes

To help quell
anger
fear
and hurt

07 October 2011

a change of pace

I want to take this blog to a new place.  One of realized dreams.  One of recycled goods.  One of poetry and art.

So get ready.  We're going where the wind takes us.

Learning to Let things Be

I'm living with my grandmother.  She's 74.  She's set in her ways.  She's a different kind of bird.  She sometimes rubs me the wrong way.  I get stressed out about living here a lot.  I'm learning to love and let be.  Sometimes that's the only way to keep from hating someone.  I do not want to hate my grandmother.  I'm learning to take all her quirks and all her odd almost hurtful comments in stride.  It's not my problem really, and truthfully, I don't know her very well and she doesn't really know me all that well and it really doesn't matter in the long run what she thinks.  It really matters though that I can still love her.  It really matters that she let me move my family under her roof.  It really matters that no matter what, tattoos, piercings, and all, that she's going to stick by me and love me.

I'm really blessed to tell the truth.

01 September 2011

The Hunt

I have my first interview tonight or tomorrow.  I am sooooooo nervous.  My life has been child centered for the last two years and now I'm entering the world of adults again. 

Plus, if I get the job, with pay and benifits, hopefully Lucious will be able to stay home with the kid-o's and work on his schooling.

Here's hoping for the best! 

15 August 2011

Living in Florida

Well, after much excitement, crying, panicing, cheering, and general exhaustion, we are finally in Florida living with my gracious Nana.  It's been dificult and we've only been here a couple of days.  My grandfather's absence is hitting me hard.  I wasn't able to come down for the funeral and I never really got closure.  So he's here in the house in all the trophies, pictures, shoes by the front door, and unfortunately in body. Well, ashes actually.  In a box.  From the crematorium.  Sitting next to my Nana's chair.  There have been many times when I have been overcome by this sadness.  Grandpa is dead.  I don't get to hear him tell his tales, say "pickle-head" when he's angry at bad drivers, or smell his aftershave when I hug him.  How can Nana stand it I wonder.  Fifty two years of marriage and now so much silence. 

We are living here now, in this house partially frozen in time.  I don't talk to my parents but they are here, in memory sitting in picture frames.  I feel like I don't know anything anymore.  I feel like a big whiney baby complaining about my childhood.  My mother was a bitch.  Pchyopathic, Type-A, Crazy, Bitch.  I survived.  I am still dealing with the wounds.  I have so much work to do the task is daunting.  How will I ever move forward?

I don't know.

08 August 2011

Vector Park

I have been racking my brain forever trying to remember what this was called.

It's Bizarre. It's Addictive.  It's way to much fun to do at work.

You have been warned.

Vector Park

25 July 2011

Moving

MOVING MOVING MOVING!!!!!  Every time I move I go into this denial state.   "I don't have that much stuff," I say to myself.  "We can pack just a day or two before we head off," I reassure myself.

HA HA!

SURE!

Every time.

Not this time.

This time we're moving to Florida from Tennessee.  That's like what, TWELVE HOURS AWAY.  Plus, we've decided to only pack our two cars.  That's one Toyota Corolla and one Volvo station wagon.  Are we going minimal?  Yes.  Are we chucking most of our furniture?  Yes.  Am I freaking out?  Just a little.  But, I've been there before.  I've lived with just toys and clothes and started over.  I have the benefit of having experienced near homelessness before.  This time we have family support.  This time, there is Florida Craigslist!  The free section there holds out far more couches, chairs, and beds than here where I live.  We are going bold people.

Now comes the hard part.  Getting rid of nearly everything!!!!  

Here's a small list:

1 Queen Size Mattress
1 Twin Size Mattress
2 Two Drawer Filing Cabinets
1 Rocking Chair
1 Blue Arm Chair
1 Antique Chest
1 Small Book Shelf
1 Small Chest of Drawers
3 Kitchen Chairs


That's just the Furniture portion.  There is a whole closet of folding chairs and folding table that we haven't discussed yet.  Plus holiday stuff, a guitar, violin, toys, clothes, kitchen stuff.  It all needs to be drastically reduced.  My husband doesn't quite realize the amount of stuff.

I'm thinking of having a virtual yard sale on Craigslist so keep your eyes open you may score some cool swag.

20 July 2011

Lucious

Lucious aka Dragonfly is on a business trip in Chicago. I miss him.

18 July 2011

After Forty Years of Marriage, She Tries a New Recipe for Hamburger Hot Dish by Leo Dangel

"How did you like it?" she asked.

"It's all right," he said.

"This is the third time I cooked
It this way. Why can't you
ever say if you like something?"

"Well if I didn't like it, I
wouldn't eat it," he said.

"You never can say anything
I cook tastes good."

"I don't know why all the time
you think I have to say it's good
I eat it, don't I?"

"I don't think you have to say
All the time it's good, but once
in awhile you could say
you like it."

"It's all right," he said.

-----------

This poem reminds me of my grandfather and grandmother. I miss him.

Which reminds me: I'm moving to Tampa next month! So much to do before and after! At least I'll be with family.
BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

15 July 2011

Recycled T Shirt Rag Rug

I'm way craftier than I give myself credit. It's made from Lucious' favorite old t shirts!

BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

We Can Survive Anything

BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Oh Shit!

I just had the most disgusting experience of my life as a full time mom.  I picked up my baby only to have her poop come squirting out of her diaper like warm toothpaste!  It was everywhere.  To make it worse, I was calling for my husband to help.  He was in a coma like pre work day nap.  He didn't hear anything.

Gah!

28 January 2011

Depends on the J. W.


Image found on Soda Head.

I Quit!

I quit my parents and my sister today.

Harsh? Yes. Uncalled for? No.

You see, theres a bit of a background there that I haven't mentioned. It all has to do with being raised in a cult and deciding to leave the cult and being shunned because of that decision.

Lets just say, there's been a lot of hurt and I was over it. I haven't spoken to my parents more than 5 times in the last 7 years or so. I think I talked to my sister maybe 3-4 times in that long. Yet, there was still this hope from them that I would change my mind because shunning works so well!

Right.


There was some hope on my part that some amazing thing would cause them to see they were wrong.


Right.

I am not going to change for them. They sure as hell aren't going to change for me.

It was time.

I have a theme for the year: Letting Go. Letting go of fear, control or the illusion there of, and for this particular instance, hope of reconciliation with my family. They were not acting as my family any more and haven't for nearly a decade. I just couldn't let it go on any further. So. I quit. It wasn't that hard. Especially after years of having to develop a thick skin to their judgement. I wrote an e-mail sent the e-mail and blocked them forever from my life.

I'm free.

I'm posting the letter. People should know that closure on something like being abandoned is possible. I'm ending it on my terms. I'm taking the power back.

It is time.

I hope this is something that will help someone out there.
______________________________________________


Dear J., S., and R*


I have come to a place in my life where I feel there is never going to be a hope for reconciliation. I don't even view you as my parents anymore. You haven't been there for almost a decade and there is no hope of me ever becoming a Jehovah's Witness again. I don't believe in that path at all. I'm sorry that you have been hurt by my decision to leave and I know that you are in pain about it. I just can't be apart of your family. You are not my parents. You haven't been there for advice, for momentous occasions, you send money to my son (twice, small amounts, because I was leaving abusive ex husband). You "know about my pregnancy" of my daughter (legally unmarried this was a judgement statement meant to hurt while I was pregnant). I don't care what you do and don't know. You have hurt me too much for me to continue on like this. I'm turning thirty this year. This year I have a lot of things planned that just don't involve you. I do, however, have a family now. A family that loves me, accepts me for who I am, and encourages me to become all I can become. No holding back. It's scary, and I realize now that I've never been given that. I know that you say you love me and have given small attempts to show that love but you don't have the unconditional love that I have come to know with my husband Dragonfly.

J, you are judgmental and have always belittled me. I strive not to be like you in any way. I know that you came from a harsh background and that you strove not to be like your father and mother but you failed. You may not have gotten into drunken brawls with S and had us move here and there and every where, but you sucked the life out of me. I was so depressed growing up and you never noticed, never even tried to get help for me. I have gotten help and continue to seek help for all the things I have experienced in my life. I am now this day happier than i have ever been in my life. I consider my childhood a lie and strive to enrich my children and love them as I have never been loved. I'm sure at one point you loved wholly but I don't know what happened to you. I think a little therapy would go a long way--that's a lot coming from me because I hate therapy! I think that a lot of therapists are crazy but with enough searching you can find a healthy one that will not get involved in your religious beliefs. You only hurt yourself by not going. And S. When I last talked with him he didn't sound like the man I knew growing up. The smile was gone from his voice. I see all your attentions focused on him have worked their charm. R became bulimic because of you (I was blamed for this because I moved out of the house). I was no longer your focus and she suffered for it. I'm sorry I left her there like that. You constantly pitted us against each other. We were the best of friends when you weren't around. Ultimately she had to move to another state to get away from you. Do you see that at all I wonder? I do not write these things to hurt you but to get out what I have never been able to say to you. I think this is something I've needed to do for a long long time. I will be blocking you from my e-mail after this, and you will be gone forever from my life. You will never know my daughter thankfully. Hopefully I will be able to move on now as I have constantly thought back on all you have done. I hope you have the courage to share this letter with S and R.

S, you were an absentee father. You took J's side even when she was wrong. You let her rule over you. I believe you would have never become a Jehovah's witness had she not pushed you toward it. I believe if she were not in your life today that you would not have become one. What do you do for yourself? You are alienated from your family. They are crazy but relatively healthy believe it or not. I'm talking about your mom, dad, and brothers. I'm sorry you have done such a thing. Why was it that J's messed up family was more acceptable to associate with than yours? They were a couple of miles away! Grandpa G didn't change all that much! I felt abandoned by you. You were the one person who could have showed me what a healthy relationship was. I had to do a lot of digging to find that out for myself. I'm happy now. He reminds me a lot of you. I still love you and am sorry I couldn't continue to be a part of your family. I hope that some day you will find happiness again.

R, I understand why you chose J's side. You felt she could ultimately offer you more than me. I was your sister and best friend and then I moved and I didn't stay in touch with you. I'm sorry that I left like that. I didn't mean for you to be hurt like you were. I have harbored a lot of hate and anger toward you for the longest time. But now I just pity you because you were hurt and all you could do was try to hurt me. I, unfortunately, have no love for you anymore. I'm sorry your baby has been unwell. I'm sorry I never met E (her daughter). It is what it is and won't change. I hope you are happy in life.

This letter is spurned on by the fact that it's time to get on with living, and the fact that I'll be moving to a location closer to you J and S. I'll be very close. If you should happen to see me, do not approach me. Do not wave, do not say hi to me or my children. Do not try to contact me by any means of family, phone, e-mail or letter. We have no reason to talk. You are not my family. You are not even my friends. You don't have any part of my life anymore and you never will.

There is probably a lot more that I could say but it would probably cause this e-mail to be the size of a book so I will conclude with this: I wish you well though you have caused me great pain and sorrow. I hope you all find the same happiness I have found. I hope you grow from this experience.

With that said, goodbye. This is the last you will hear from me.

Ember

_______
* Names removed to protect identity.
_______

As you can see there is way to much energy that had been going out there toward bitterness and anger. Today I have taken care of myself the best way possible. I am allowing myself to quit something harmful to me.

Today I'm rid of their negative influence.

I'm at peace with this decision.
BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

10 January 2011

On being an artist

We are all artists.  Some of us, however, tend to squash our artistic ability due to a deranged thought that they have to finish all manor of work before doing their art.  That would be me.  So I have come up with a plan, I will do something artistic every 11th day of every month.  Anything, be it braid hair, poetry, paint, sew, anything at all that is artistic.

It's import to allow ourselves permission to do things that are enjoyable.  I am not just limiting myself to the 11th, I am hoping this will inspire me to live a more creative life in general.