28 January 2011

I Quit!

I quit my parents and my sister today.

Harsh? Yes. Uncalled for? No.

You see, theres a bit of a background there that I haven't mentioned. It all has to do with being raised in a cult and deciding to leave the cult and being shunned because of that decision.

Lets just say, there's been a lot of hurt and I was over it. I haven't spoken to my parents more than 5 times in the last 7 years or so. I think I talked to my sister maybe 3-4 times in that long. Yet, there was still this hope from them that I would change my mind because shunning works so well!

Right.


There was some hope on my part that some amazing thing would cause them to see they were wrong.


Right.

I am not going to change for them. They sure as hell aren't going to change for me.

It was time.

I have a theme for the year: Letting Go. Letting go of fear, control or the illusion there of, and for this particular instance, hope of reconciliation with my family. They were not acting as my family any more and haven't for nearly a decade. I just couldn't let it go on any further. So. I quit. It wasn't that hard. Especially after years of having to develop a thick skin to their judgement. I wrote an e-mail sent the e-mail and blocked them forever from my life.

I'm free.

I'm posting the letter. People should know that closure on something like being abandoned is possible. I'm ending it on my terms. I'm taking the power back.

It is time.

I hope this is something that will help someone out there.
______________________________________________


Dear J., S., and R*


I have come to a place in my life where I feel there is never going to be a hope for reconciliation. I don't even view you as my parents anymore. You haven't been there for almost a decade and there is no hope of me ever becoming a Jehovah's Witness again. I don't believe in that path at all. I'm sorry that you have been hurt by my decision to leave and I know that you are in pain about it. I just can't be apart of your family. You are not my parents. You haven't been there for advice, for momentous occasions, you send money to my son (twice, small amounts, because I was leaving abusive ex husband). You "know about my pregnancy" of my daughter (legally unmarried this was a judgement statement meant to hurt while I was pregnant). I don't care what you do and don't know. You have hurt me too much for me to continue on like this. I'm turning thirty this year. This year I have a lot of things planned that just don't involve you. I do, however, have a family now. A family that loves me, accepts me for who I am, and encourages me to become all I can become. No holding back. It's scary, and I realize now that I've never been given that. I know that you say you love me and have given small attempts to show that love but you don't have the unconditional love that I have come to know with my husband Dragonfly.

J, you are judgmental and have always belittled me. I strive not to be like you in any way. I know that you came from a harsh background and that you strove not to be like your father and mother but you failed. You may not have gotten into drunken brawls with S and had us move here and there and every where, but you sucked the life out of me. I was so depressed growing up and you never noticed, never even tried to get help for me. I have gotten help and continue to seek help for all the things I have experienced in my life. I am now this day happier than i have ever been in my life. I consider my childhood a lie and strive to enrich my children and love them as I have never been loved. I'm sure at one point you loved wholly but I don't know what happened to you. I think a little therapy would go a long way--that's a lot coming from me because I hate therapy! I think that a lot of therapists are crazy but with enough searching you can find a healthy one that will not get involved in your religious beliefs. You only hurt yourself by not going. And S. When I last talked with him he didn't sound like the man I knew growing up. The smile was gone from his voice. I see all your attentions focused on him have worked their charm. R became bulimic because of you (I was blamed for this because I moved out of the house). I was no longer your focus and she suffered for it. I'm sorry I left her there like that. You constantly pitted us against each other. We were the best of friends when you weren't around. Ultimately she had to move to another state to get away from you. Do you see that at all I wonder? I do not write these things to hurt you but to get out what I have never been able to say to you. I think this is something I've needed to do for a long long time. I will be blocking you from my e-mail after this, and you will be gone forever from my life. You will never know my daughter thankfully. Hopefully I will be able to move on now as I have constantly thought back on all you have done. I hope you have the courage to share this letter with S and R.

S, you were an absentee father. You took J's side even when she was wrong. You let her rule over you. I believe you would have never become a Jehovah's witness had she not pushed you toward it. I believe if she were not in your life today that you would not have become one. What do you do for yourself? You are alienated from your family. They are crazy but relatively healthy believe it or not. I'm talking about your mom, dad, and brothers. I'm sorry you have done such a thing. Why was it that J's messed up family was more acceptable to associate with than yours? They were a couple of miles away! Grandpa G didn't change all that much! I felt abandoned by you. You were the one person who could have showed me what a healthy relationship was. I had to do a lot of digging to find that out for myself. I'm happy now. He reminds me a lot of you. I still love you and am sorry I couldn't continue to be a part of your family. I hope that some day you will find happiness again.

R, I understand why you chose J's side. You felt she could ultimately offer you more than me. I was your sister and best friend and then I moved and I didn't stay in touch with you. I'm sorry that I left like that. I didn't mean for you to be hurt like you were. I have harbored a lot of hate and anger toward you for the longest time. But now I just pity you because you were hurt and all you could do was try to hurt me. I, unfortunately, have no love for you anymore. I'm sorry your baby has been unwell. I'm sorry I never met E (her daughter). It is what it is and won't change. I hope you are happy in life.

This letter is spurned on by the fact that it's time to get on with living, and the fact that I'll be moving to a location closer to you J and S. I'll be very close. If you should happen to see me, do not approach me. Do not wave, do not say hi to me or my children. Do not try to contact me by any means of family, phone, e-mail or letter. We have no reason to talk. You are not my family. You are not even my friends. You don't have any part of my life anymore and you never will.

There is probably a lot more that I could say but it would probably cause this e-mail to be the size of a book so I will conclude with this: I wish you well though you have caused me great pain and sorrow. I hope you all find the same happiness I have found. I hope you grow from this experience.

With that said, goodbye. This is the last you will hear from me.

Ember

_______
* Names removed to protect identity.
_______

As you can see there is way to much energy that had been going out there toward bitterness and anger. Today I have taken care of myself the best way possible. I am allowing myself to quit something harmful to me.

Today I'm rid of their negative influence.

I'm at peace with this decision.
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