15 August 2011

Living in Florida

Well, after much excitement, crying, panicing, cheering, and general exhaustion, we are finally in Florida living with my gracious Nana.  It's been dificult and we've only been here a couple of days.  My grandfather's absence is hitting me hard.  I wasn't able to come down for the funeral and I never really got closure.  So he's here in the house in all the trophies, pictures, shoes by the front door, and unfortunately in body. Well, ashes actually.  In a box.  From the crematorium.  Sitting next to my Nana's chair.  There have been many times when I have been overcome by this sadness.  Grandpa is dead.  I don't get to hear him tell his tales, say "pickle-head" when he's angry at bad drivers, or smell his aftershave when I hug him.  How can Nana stand it I wonder.  Fifty two years of marriage and now so much silence. 

We are living here now, in this house partially frozen in time.  I don't talk to my parents but they are here, in memory sitting in picture frames.  I feel like I don't know anything anymore.  I feel like a big whiney baby complaining about my childhood.  My mother was a bitch.  Pchyopathic, Type-A, Crazy, Bitch.  I survived.  I am still dealing with the wounds.  I have so much work to do the task is daunting.  How will I ever move forward?

I don't know.

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