18 August 2012

Break

Dear Friends and Readers,

I'm going to be taking a break from this blog.  I more than likely will be starting up another blog in the near future.  Friends will be given the new address.  If you are an interested reader you may e-mail me at the address listed in my profile and I will forward you the information.

Thank you for your support.  I'll be back.  Just not here.

04 July 2012

Knoxville Here We Come!

We are headed to K-town for a two week vacation.  Well. . . Lucius will be in training for the first week in North Carolina but the kids and I will be in Knoxville for two weeks.

We are so blessed to have friends that are willing to put us up in their house for the first week.  They would have done both weeks if it weren't for the fact that my poor hubby has the worst allergies and my friends have cats.

For all of you that point your energies or pray or meditate, I ask that you send good travel vibes our way.

Pictures to follow!


kiss 4, 5, 6, 7 share the love!





18 June 2012

Kiss 3

Gah!  This is more difficult than I thought but that's alright I'm going to post at least seven of these things!  lol

12 June 2012

Kiss


Starting now there will be a kiss a day posted here for at least a week!  I can't promise anything but I can give it a shot!

Share the love!

23 May 2012

Usefulness--a poem by E. L. Walker

My travels were far and near
to the grocery
to the park
to vacations at the beach

Now I'm stuck on the side of the road
a discard
a sad and broken
forgotten one

Just now someone stopped when they saw
me

In their mind I'm a pair of new sandals
an earth ship
a tire swing
a garden planter

maybe

maybe


15 May 2012

Aunt Cindy

My aunt died on May 4, 2012.  She was fifty years old and had a husband and a grown up married daughter.  She was healthy and happy and then she was gone.  This is such a shock to me because of all the people I had hoped to connect with again, my dearest wish was to connect with her.

She was the mother I always wished for.

You see, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, and in 2003 I decided I didn't want to be a Witness anymore.     This religion stipulates that when a baptized member grievously sins or departs from the faith, that the rest of the members shun that person.  I've been shunned for almost ten years now.  Because of this I didn't get to have contact with my aunt who was a witness, her brother, my parents, my sister, my cousin.  All of them were barred from me.

There isn't really a way to describe the pain of that kind of shunning and I will not detail it in this post.

Out of that pain there was always the hope that my aunt would someday brake from that faith.  Unfortunately that didn't happen for us.

There are blessings from all of it though.  My uncle who was married to my aunt was not converted to that path and we have been talking after so many years of silence.  I am so grateful for that.

In total I have connected with four family members!

My aunt was an amazing person.  She always filled a room with light, laughter, and sweetness.  Everyone that knew her loved her.  My aunt and uncle's relationship became the model for my own:  trust, love and laughter.

Even though this religion kept us apart, I have no hard feelings for her.  Honestly,  I don't even have a single negative memory of her.  I only have the deepest love and the fondest of memories.  Her passing has made possible these many re connections.  Her passing has rekindled a need to tell those that are close to me how I feel about them, and has me hugging my loved ones a little longer.  Though it sounds cliche, the truth of it is, there isn't a guarantee for tomorrow.

For these lessons and memories I will be eternally grateful.  I hate that it came now from her passing, but I will take it as the dearest of gifts that she could have given me.

I love you Aunt Cindy and I always will.


25 April 2012

Being a Mother

There is a blog I read almost every day called the Goddess Guidebook.  Leonie of the Goddess Guidebook was describing how she is feeling a great change in her life.  She feels "less of a maiden and more of a mother". When I read that line I realized that I too have lost my maidenhood.  I'm not a girl anymore.  I'm not into passive aggressive behavior.  I'm tell it how it is.  I'm not into implying how I feel or implying my opinion because I'm trying to hard to be modest or polite or proper.   Not that the way I am now isn't polite it's that I'm feeling more forward and not so timid anymore.

There are three aspects to a woman's life (the Goddess if you will).  These are: The Maiden, The Mother, and The Crone.

The Maiden is all things fertile, virginal and innocent.  She's in a deep place of learning and beginning.

The Mother is sexuality, fertility, power, fulfillment, and stability. (The prime and peak of life so to speak).

The Crone is wisdom, ease, and death (endings and acceptance).

I most definitely feel like I'm in my prime.  After all the sorrow, upheaval, all the emotional pain, all the hormonal upsets from postpartum depression I feel still.

I feel alive and wise and hopeful.

This is an amazing place to be.  Especially now that I don't feel so uncertain anymore.

Sure, I have questions and I have doubt.  But, I am no longer ruled by these feelings.  I know my ability and capability to preform when need be.

Wow.

I guess this is what it feels like to be a grown up.

LA!

29 March 2012

Living Life

Life.  Being a mother, wife, homemaker, taxi, cook, boo-boo kisser, tutor, mentor, block tower constructor, pep talker, cleaner, organizer, errand runner, and friend is a difficult and amazing position to be in.

I have had periods in my life where it was so dark and so hopeless that there seemed to be no way out.  My life was at times a horror (I'm not being dramatic here) and on several occasions had suicidal thoughts (no worries friends they were thoughts not actions I was still rational amazingly).

All this to say,  I was born an optimist and now, with life's experience, I'm a realist/optimist.  I try to find the good in things but am willing to admit when it's time to leave or that I've been wrong.  It's not without a fight.  I'm not always a rational being.  In fact, until recently, I have been ruled by my emotions.

Living life on life's terms means finding ways to deal with stress, pressure, anger, and fear in a way that won't transfer to other people and lightening the hell up.

Why do we have to be so freakin' serious all the time?  I'm turning to humor.  I'm putting myself in time out as well as my son so I can have a moment to think and respond instead of react.    I rationalize and explain when need be.  I giggle and cross eyes when need be.  I try to make a serious situation doable.

I'm trying to live life instead of just surviving life.  I'm putting myself out there.  My heart may get hurt.  That's okay.  I have a pretty tough heart in some places and pretty tender in others but I can survive a lot of things.

I'm changing my expectations.  There is no such thing as a dish fairy or laundry fairy or bath tub scrubbing fairy.  Lets face it, these things must be done.  Might as well do them and get them over with so that I can enjoy my family.  I may be tired as can be, not have any defined weekends ( I'm a stay at home mom I never rest) and the only alone time I may have during a week is at the laundry mat.  That's okay too.  I have a sketch book at home that I paint in and draw  in while the baby is napping or playing.  I write in my journal while waiting for my son's bus to drop him off.  I sing and dance while cooking/cleaning/ whatever.  I'm reading magazine articles piece mail.  I'm learning how to do things in broken up intervals and be alright with the end result.

This is LIFE!  It's messy and ugly and beautiful and sad and happy all wrapped up in the same package.

Go out there and live the best one you can.

You are worth it.

Your loved ones are worth it too.

23 March 2012

Sleeping!

The little bean is finally weened!  I am starting to finally get some sleep.  I am starting to realize how little I was actually getting and the impact that a lack of sleep can have.

Dreams are making a reappearance in my sleep again.  Apparently I was getting so little sleep I wasn't actually getting to the r.e.m. cycle of sleep.  It reminds me of a Star Trek Next Generation episode where the entire ship wasn't getting r.e.m. sleep and they were all going crazy and were going to die.  I have felt like that for almost two years.  My short term memory has been severely affected by sleep loss.  I could hardly recall what someone told me an hour ago yet alone yesterday.

I'm feeling the spring fever now.   Nesting and cleaning out the apartment.

It's a great feeling to be productive again.

15 February 2012

Guidance

We all look for guidance.  As small children we depend on parents to guide us through to adulthood.  We look to our bosses, clergy, and politicians.  But, what about ourselves?  Do we guide ourselves to do the important? The mundane? 

I find myself in the precarious position of being the guide for my children but feeling guide-less.    I don't have any direction in my life.  No real goals personally other than to have "the most artistic year ever".   I don't know what I want to do now.  I'm overwhelmed with life.  Not enough sleep, or breaks will make a person crazy. 

Right now I don't have many friends in Sarasota and I'm not sure how to make them in this vulnerable state of mind.  I know I need them.  Without friendships I aim it all on my family.  I don't want that at all. I also don't want to be overwhelmed anymore.  Friends help with that.  

Some moving and shaking has to begin with me to make things better.
 

Home Again

Lucius is home again.  I'm so happy he's here safe and sound.

Of course he's going to be recovering from jet lag and has to work tomorrow and Thursday right away.

Oh well.  Such is life.

----

On a side note.  I had a rough morning.  The baby was crying, crying, crying.  She wanted to be held from the moment she woke up.  Let me tell you this is hard to do when I'm packing a lunch, brushing my teeth, going to the restroom, getting dressed, trying to look sexy for return of hubby, etc.  So for the first half hour of my beautiful daughter's scream fest I tried to play it cool.  Diaper was changed, drink offered, breakfast offered, toys pulled out, but nada, she wasn't having it!  She wanted mom or nothing at all.  So finally I just had to put her down and let her follow me from room to room screaming.  After about 15 more minutes of the cry/screaming something in me kind of melted down.  I screamed to be heard over her.  I cried out "God Damn why are you screaming!  Stop Screaming!"  Well, let me tell you, it didn't work.  In fact it made me feel horrible.  It started off Leaf's day wrong (who by the way took everything in stride, stayed out of the way, was very helpful and poor guy left his valentines box w/ valentines for class at home) I was in a state after realizing yelling at a toddler isn't good, this isn't good.

I know that there are moms out there shaking their heads.  What is the big deal?  I don't like to yell.  I do it too often. I don't want to yell at either of my kids or my husband.

I'm working on it.

I tell Lucius all of this as I sit in a parking lot crying into the phone ready to pick him up after a week gone.

I tell him again and again during the day how guilty I feel.

I start out "This morning I yelled" or "This morning I lost my shit big time" and twice (TWICE mind you, he makes his points well, bless him) "Is it morning still?" or "It's not morning is it?"  Saying without saying it "It's over, learn from it, move forward".

Thank you for that simple truth.  It's so easy to get stuck with self anger.

I love you.

Welcome home Lucius.

07 February 2012

Freaking Out a Little

I know I can do it.

I know I can do it.

I've done it before.

Why does six days without Lucius seem like a nightmare?

It'll be fine truly.

Possibly it's just that I'm tired and feel like it's just going to be to much to handle.  We moms are resilient creatures capable of pretty much any task put before us.

I think will be chanting internally, "Keep Calm. Carry On."

Leave it to war time Britain to have such catchy sensibility.

23 January 2012

The Invisible Mother

Shutter speeds use to be slow.  In order for the picture to be clear, those seated in frame would have to hold perfectly still.  Mothers were often enlisted to hold their children still while covering themselves so as not to be in the picture.


I can't tell where the mother is in either one of these pictures can you?



This feels like some bizarre metaphor for abused women.  Some of these pictures are so weird.  Why not just have the mother in the picture with her children?  Really?  Don't mother's count?

Breastfeeding part 2

Sorry about the sound.  It was only after recording that I realized bean was banging the keys on the computer and making a racket.  Oops.  Not re-recording as I don't have time to deal with the issue.  

Enjoy!


Holy Guacamole! I can Paint!

I don't know how I never realized I could do this.  I am a very artistic person.  Yet here I am just discovering that I can paint.  Maybe it's that I never gave myself permission to try or to put myself out there.  Even just for self satisfaction (tee hee no not that kind) I never realized that I could do this!
Lucius 

Leaf
Comparison of Leaf to portrait

Best I could do for a cute growing moving baby!

Should have made glasses bigger but oh well it's still awesome for a first try!!!

I am so excited to be creating!  I'm finding ways to do so with baby in tow.  How amazing are Mamas?!

22 January 2012

20 January 2012

Apartment Before Furniture

I'm way to happy and hyper in this video! Pardon me I've been in a post partum stupor forever and finally feel better.  It's over the top.  But hey--happy is as happy does.


Robo Boogie!


19 January 2012

18 January 2012

New Year New Insights


I've had some pretty serious brain function increase lately.  In fact I've had some of those "ah ha!" moments that change your life.

The most major of these moments I'd like to share because it effects so many women.  I dare say it effects so many people.

Self Value.

I know. I know.  I'm not going to get all new age on you.  I'm gonna get all: hey man this is cool you need to think about this, on you.

It's about how we look about ourselves.  It's about how I've looked at myself and how I now look at myself.  It's about how I viewed others and how I now view others.

I am just like every one else.

That's it!

For all this time (30 years) I've had the feeling other people were more together.  That they somehow knew some secret that made their lives perfect.  Somehow they were cool, and I would never be that.  I would never understand the world, or love, or be cool, or smart.

I've come to the realization that people view me that way.  That I have friends that say "you're so calm and collected" or "I don't know how you do it" and they're thinking the same thing that I've thought about them.  That there is some secret that she knows that I will never get.

Here's the secret:  we bring all our history to the table when we view the world and the people in it.  No two people hear a conversation the same way.  No two people have the same experience the same way.  No two people think the same way.

We all have our "truth" about the world.  Some people's "truth" is sad and others is joyful.  It isn't a constant thing either.  It can change upon the knowledge  we gain.  It changes with our physical well being.  It can change with the weather and the season.

To sum it all up:  no one has all the answers.  No one ever will.  To seek the answers to life is the human quest.  Who am I?  What is my purpose?  Why am I here?  To be a student of life.  To find a higher understanding of self and others and human nature and to be "free" of  stigmas we put upon ourselves and others.

I hope this makes some sense, because having had this revelation has changed everything for me.  I feel a deep calm in my heart that I have been seeking for a long time.  This is just the beginning at the new year.

A perfect time to start.


13 January 2012