15 February 2012

Guidance

We all look for guidance.  As small children we depend on parents to guide us through to adulthood.  We look to our bosses, clergy, and politicians.  But, what about ourselves?  Do we guide ourselves to do the important? The mundane? 

I find myself in the precarious position of being the guide for my children but feeling guide-less.    I don't have any direction in my life.  No real goals personally other than to have "the most artistic year ever".   I don't know what I want to do now.  I'm overwhelmed with life.  Not enough sleep, or breaks will make a person crazy. 

Right now I don't have many friends in Sarasota and I'm not sure how to make them in this vulnerable state of mind.  I know I need them.  Without friendships I aim it all on my family.  I don't want that at all. I also don't want to be overwhelmed anymore.  Friends help with that.  

Some moving and shaking has to begin with me to make things better.
 

Home Again

Lucius is home again.  I'm so happy he's here safe and sound.

Of course he's going to be recovering from jet lag and has to work tomorrow and Thursday right away.

Oh well.  Such is life.

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On a side note.  I had a rough morning.  The baby was crying, crying, crying.  She wanted to be held from the moment she woke up.  Let me tell you this is hard to do when I'm packing a lunch, brushing my teeth, going to the restroom, getting dressed, trying to look sexy for return of hubby, etc.  So for the first half hour of my beautiful daughter's scream fest I tried to play it cool.  Diaper was changed, drink offered, breakfast offered, toys pulled out, but nada, she wasn't having it!  She wanted mom or nothing at all.  So finally I just had to put her down and let her follow me from room to room screaming.  After about 15 more minutes of the cry/screaming something in me kind of melted down.  I screamed to be heard over her.  I cried out "God Damn why are you screaming!  Stop Screaming!"  Well, let me tell you, it didn't work.  In fact it made me feel horrible.  It started off Leaf's day wrong (who by the way took everything in stride, stayed out of the way, was very helpful and poor guy left his valentines box w/ valentines for class at home) I was in a state after realizing yelling at a toddler isn't good, this isn't good.

I know that there are moms out there shaking their heads.  What is the big deal?  I don't like to yell.  I do it too often. I don't want to yell at either of my kids or my husband.

I'm working on it.

I tell Lucius all of this as I sit in a parking lot crying into the phone ready to pick him up after a week gone.

I tell him again and again during the day how guilty I feel.

I start out "This morning I yelled" or "This morning I lost my shit big time" and twice (TWICE mind you, he makes his points well, bless him) "Is it morning still?" or "It's not morning is it?"  Saying without saying it "It's over, learn from it, move forward".

Thank you for that simple truth.  It's so easy to get stuck with self anger.

I love you.

Welcome home Lucius.

07 February 2012

Freaking Out a Little

I know I can do it.

I know I can do it.

I've done it before.

Why does six days without Lucius seem like a nightmare?

It'll be fine truly.

Possibly it's just that I'm tired and feel like it's just going to be to much to handle.  We moms are resilient creatures capable of pretty much any task put before us.

I think will be chanting internally, "Keep Calm. Carry On."

Leave it to war time Britain to have such catchy sensibility.